Semi-witty Penultimate Posting

It's the time of year when a young student's mind turns to thoughts of internships.
One of the worst parts of journalism school is the time-honoured ritual of submitting applications for summer employment and then receiving a bunch of rejection letters all in the hopes a of getting that coveted interview.
As a service to my colleagues, here is a list of typical questions, how to answer them and what you are probably thinking.
Question: Why are you interested in this newspaper?
What I said: You do a great job of covering the community and giving a fair and balanced view of global issues with a uniquely Canadian perspective. I've also asked some (read: none) second-year students and instructors at UBC about the paper and they said it has a great work environment.
What I thought: I looked through your paper and saw that you hire people who do not appear to have any writing skills or morals whatsoever. That made me think that I have a chance to work here.

Question: Why do you want to be a journalist?
What I said: I went to journalism school because I want to make a difference. Reporting allows me to perform a public service and contribute to the betterment of society, both of which are important to me.
What I thought: That's a good question, and I ask myself it daily. I think it's a combination of stupidity and desperation. Plus I was rejected from law school.

Question: Do you think your grades are an accurate reflection of the kind of work you will do as a journalist?
What I said: Journalism school has been a challenge, and I think my grades reflect that. More important than my grades-- which, by the way, have steadily improved over the year--is my dedication to the work I do. My performance during my summer jobs is the best indicator of how I will work, and you will find that my previous employers were all pleased with me (or at least forgot who I am and so will not remember the screw-ups).
What I thought: My grades are completely indicative of how I work.I will put in the minimum effort needed to not get fired, and I will approach my job with contempt and disinterest.

Question: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
What I said: My greatest weakness is that I get too personally involved in a story. For instance, when I was working on a big investigative piece and the guilty person was caught before the piece ran, I felt cheated. I would have liked to have all their dishonest deeds published, thus allowing society to judge all of their actions, not just the few minor indiscretions the person admitted to.
What I thought: Money. I understand you are a union paper and your interns are way overpaid. If I can scam my way into this place I'll be able to afford to keep my frat brothers drunk for most of the summer.

Question: Tell us about a recent mistake you made.
What I said: I accidentally misspelled a government officials name.As soon as I realized this, I alerted my editor and he had the presses stopped and a correction was made.
What I thought: An even bigger mistake I've made has been wasting 20 minutes of my life in this interview instead of having a beer which would have been much more satisfying and productive.

Question: What do you do for fun?
What I said: I enjoy jogging, skydiving, and traveling to exotic countries.
What I thought: Beer. And chasing girls. If all else fails, I also have the entire collection of Girls Gone Wild DVDs.

Question: Tell us about your style of leadership.
What I said: I lead by taking the initiative and working proactively with my peers to come up with solutions.
What I thought: I lead by playing "The Eye of the Tiger" at maximum volume on a boombox and yelling at my underlings.

Question: If you don't get hired by this firm, what will you do?
What I said: I will analyze what I could have done better during the interview and take that knowledge with me into my next interview with [another newspapers name].
What I thought: I will breath a sigh of relief that I won't be working for a fool like you. Or I will stalk you and slash the tires on your car. I haven't decided yet.

Question: Do you have any questions for us?
What I said: Will I have a key so that I can come in and work on the weekends?
What I thought: Will I have a key so that I can come in and steal office supplies on the weekends?

Question: We value creativity in our writers. With that in mind, what kind of plant would you be, and why?
What I said: I would be a tree, because they are tall, strong, and live a long life.
What I thought: I would be three-metre tall stalk of B.C. Bud covered in flowering buds in a constant state of resin production, therefor saving me the hassle of having to source good herb.

--With thanks to Craig'sList